I struck up a conversation with a stranger and she was asking how old Cole was and when I told her, she said she had twin boys 2 months older…and I froze. I mean she probably had no idea because we kept chatting…I mean, I do know all the right questions to ask! …but it killed me. I just couldn’t see the conversation beyond, ‘Me too! Oh where is the your other son? Er um… Ugh!
But I realized two things. While it may be difficult for me and the person I strike up the next conversation with…this is our new reality. I’m sure I’ll come up with the right words eventually.
The thing I think I’m more ticked at myself about is missing the opportunity to spread awareness about pediatric cancer. I mean, we multiple Moms stick together (there is safety in numbers) and I know it would have resonated so I felt terribly guilty afterwards.
My God this is so hard. It really is. But I am comforted to know he’s around. Today, I was having a particularly difficult afternoon while enjoying some silly time with the boys and spent some time looking skyward and chatting with Declan about how hard it is…not too long after that, a beautiful rainbow appeared…exactly where I was looking. It made me feel like Declan was saying, ‘it’s ok, I’m here and will be.’
I’m still heartbroken but feeling better about my baby, how much we miss each other and knowing it’s ok to have fun with my boys. I’m not betraying Declan. In fact, it’s probably the opposite. Closing up and retreating only takes away from
Declan’s legacy of love.
Sent from my iPhone