I struck up a conversation with a stranger and she was asking how old Cole was and when I told her, she said she had twin boys 2 months older…and I froze. I mean she probably had no idea because we kept chatting…I mean, I do know all the right questions to ask! 
…but it killed me. I just couldn’t see the conversation beyond, ‘Me too! Oh where is the your other son? Er um… Ugh!
But I realized two things. While it may be difficult for me and the person I strike up the next conversation with…this is our new reality. I’m sure I’ll come up with the right words eventually.
The thing I think I’m more ticked at myself about is missing the opportunity to spread awareness about pediatric cancer. I mean, we multiple Moms stick together (there is safety in numbers) and I know it would have resonated so I felt terribly guilty afterwards.
My God this is so hard. It really is. But I am comforted to know he’s around. Today, I was having a particularly difficult afternoon while enjoying some silly time with the boys and spent some time looking skyward and chatting with Declan about how hard it is…not too long after that, a beautiful rainbow appeared…exactly where I was looking. It made me feel like Declan was saying, ‘it’s ok, I’m here and will be.’
I’m still heartbroken but feeling better about my baby, how much we miss each other and knowing it’s ok to have fun with my boys. I’m not betraying Declan. In fact, it’s probably the opposite. Closing up and retreating only takes away from
Declan’s legacy of love.
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Sent from my iPhone
You shouldn’t feel guilty for not bringing up twins. Maybe yesterday was just the day you didn’t want to share Declan with the rest of the world. Declan knows that you love and miss him. He knows that you are spreading the word about cancer. And maybe he knew that yesterday was about Cole. I hope my words come out right. I’m glad that God chose to show you a rainbow to let you know everything is alright. I can’t imagine how hard it is to move on and allow life to happen after such a lose. But you are right, it would be an injustice to your other boys to crawl into a shell and hide. Please know that my continued throughts and prayers are with you and the rest of your family.
Michelle
Sherri, the strangest thing just happened. I was reading your post and all of a sudden the picture that I have of Declan (the one that was sent when I got my tee shirt) fell over onto my hand, which was on my mouse. I was just thinking how bad I felt for you and wishing that I knew what to say to you to try and comfort you just a little, and his picture, which I have setting on my desk right next to my mouse, very gently fell over against my hand. I usually start crying when I read your posts, and this time was no different…..but when the picture fell over, I was just filled with this “peace”. Almost like Declan was saying….it’s okay….tell my mommy that. So Sherri, I’m telling you….it’s okay. There are no scripts written to tell you how you must act or what you must say. You are a wonderful person and whatever you say or don’t say, do or don’t do….it’s okay. You playing with your boys is what brings Declan close to them. But you need to take the “you” time too…to recharge and to have your alone quiet time with Declan. That is what will heal your soul….your family and the love that you all have for each other. I can only imagine your heartache and I can’t think of anything more horrible than what you have just gone thru’. Except maybe, if you had not been able to have the last 6 mos. with your sweet Declan. Sherri, hold strong to your family and your faith……and just know………………………it’s okay.