Everyday is hard but I think the extra time and excitement around the event really cause me to struggle with how much I miss Declan. It’s tough to type that because I truly struggle everyday but some days just ignite a white hot, fire of missing.
I feel the need to say, life is fine and my boys are amazing and wonderful and enjoying the things in life they should. We were at the pool earlier and Cole figured out how to “swim” today. Truth be told, he’d sink like a rock without this body floatation thingy handed down from Brady during our time in Houston but he doesn’t know and he’s proud of his accomplishment (his smile is like pure gold)…he doesn’t know how much more proud we are for him. While what I write is typically about Declan because this is, afterall, the journey of his life and our life without him, I feel the need to comments about my boys because I’ve watched other people comment on other family’s posts/blogs/caringxx wondering about their “other children”…for the record, I think that’s bull because they have no idea how much we love and would do anything to protect our kids…all of them. But I digress.
So on our way home from the pool, I turned to the 70s station (I love 70s music!) and a song from Bread came on, Everything I Own. Truly I know a lot of the songs that make me think about Declan (any my boys…Stan included) are love songs. I mean, doesn’t that seem right? Isn’t one of the greatest loves in life the love we have for our family? I’ve always liked this song and, as has happened on so many occasions since Declan died, the words spoke to me differently. They were the words I’ve said a million times in my head, in my dreams, since Declan died…I would give anything I own, just to touch you once again. The finality of human contact truly is a hurdle that has amounted to scaling an insurmountable wall…kind of like the one in those American Ninja Warrior trials but much bigger. (Did you forget? I live with all boys. Ok, I like the show too. I admit it.)
The words aren’t just for what we’ve lost and ache to be with again, it speaks to the here and now. The ones right in front of us, who drive us nuts…especially on days like today when we’re supposed to get together and enjoy our time with family and friends…with the same ones that drive us nuts. What if they weren’t here? We’d ache for them and wish it could be different. Wish they could be here. Wish they could be here so we could hug them, love them and tell them how much their life means to us…how life would be different without them.
I copied the words below. There are so many people who fit these words in my life, and probably yours too.
Declan, I miss you. I would truly give up everything I own.
You sheltered me from harm.
Kept me warm, kept me warm
You gave my life to me
Set me free, Set me free
The finest years I ever knew
were all the years I had with you
I would give anything I own,
Give up my life, my heart, my home.
I would give everything I own,
just to have you back again.
You taught me how to love,
What it’s all, what it’s all.
You never said too much,
but still you showed the way,
and I knew from watching you.
Nobody else could ever know
the part of me that can’t let go.
I would give anything I own,
Give up my life, my heart, my home.
I would give everything I own
Just to have you back again.
Is there someone you know,
you’re loving them so,
but taking them all for granted.
You may lose them one day,
someone takes them away,
and they don’t hear the words you long to say
I would give anything I own,
Give up my life, my heart, my home.
I would give everything I own
Just to have you back again.
Just to touch you once again.