Can it really be that 5 months has passed since I last held you and looked at your sweet face? Some days it feels like August 18th all over again with the hot searing pain of knowing we will never see you again on earth, our hearts breaking all over again. Other days it’s still there that empty, lost feeling but it is less raw.
Through it all, there is not a day that goes by without you in it. Some days your face dances in front of everything I do, while other days it’s a familiar sound, smell, outfit, picture, a butterfly floating by, a gentle rainbow, a blue ribbon, a giraffe (real, stuffed or plastic, or even a giraffe print), beautiful blue eyes on a little boy, the touch of baby’s skin not much older than you were when you were diagnosed, a thousand different songs, stuffed animals, another Cole milestone being hit (Aren’t you so proud of him? He’s amazing…just like you), a book, all the Sesame Street guys, the morning, the night, learning of another child like you, in the quiet, in the chaos, bath time, bedtime, …truly the list of these moments is endless, the moments my thoughts go to you. Some days it’s overwhelming. Kind of like when you’re body surfing the ocean waves and you “catch” that perfect wave juuuuust a bit too late and end up getting tossed like a rag doll…struggling to find which way is up as you uncontrollably bounce off the sand and the waves. Where it is work to put that Mommy smile on and get to it. In these moments, I remember how strong you were on the worst days and find the strength to take that next step. (BTW, I do that for your brothers too…they deserve it. They put up with a lot during your illness too. They understood as best they could, were so amazingly supportive of you and what they had to give up for us to care for you. I know they were confused and scared…and still are…so I try really hard to make sure I put one foot in front of the other each day for them as well as your Dad and me.)
Other days, I feel you in the breeze and by that I mean, you wisp in and out of the moments of my day. Very much like you were…a happy little baby finding the joy in all pieces of the day. You let me know you still find the joy by the little ways you show yourself to me, especially when it’s in the moments with your brothers. My heartaches for you all missing a life together but I know you are always near. It’s not at all the life I envisioned for my 4 boys but it is the life we now lead.
Declan, my heart breaks over missing you. I know this will never change, you will be with me forever in this way. But in those words I know my life was made better by being your Mom (just as it is with your brothers). Our experience has changed but the love still grows. Oh wow, does the love still grow!
I miss you terribly baby. All my love, Mommy.