Starting Journey 4 A Cure is needed and something I am desperately passionate about…but it is also extermely difficult to live in this world, this world of cancer. I’m not saying it’s all bad, it is far and away the most amazing life I could lead. Why? Because I am given two gifts each day…the good I am already seeing by the creation of J4AC. It is beyond heartwarming and amazing to know this fight is not being fought alone. Truly, it is an unbelievable feeling. What is also amazing is the spirit of these children who fight every day. The stories of their lives, some of whom know only the four white walls of the hospital, are awe inspiring and so uplifting to the soul. They live a world none of us would trade for (except us parents) and yet they live it with smiles, giggles and the hearts of warriors. If you’re ever feeling like you can’t do something, read one of their stories…you’ll be embarrassed at what you think is so terrible in your life. (Hope that doesn’t sound harsh…but I still feel that way when I read about these heroes.)
It’s the dark side though that is tough on some days. It’s the knowledge I get on a day to day basis about other families. The other families learning of this diagnosis for their child and those who are letting go the hand of their child for the last time. Today is one of those days because in my effort to perform a task for J4AC today, I found 3 children who recently passed. I read their stories and am crushed, sitting here at my computer with tears dripping into my lap. One in particular ate at my soul because it eats at the very core of the spirit of joy we seek during the holidays and I wanted to share it with you so you can see again a window into why I/we Journey.
From Jonathan’s Momma
Saturday, December 25, 2010 9:33 AM, CST
At about 12:10 am this morning John went to be with Jesus.
I was so sad to see all the presents under the tree this morning.
When my other two woke up, they looked at there stockings and said there’s John’s can we take it to him?
How horrible to have to tell your children on Christmas morning that their brother is gone.
We told them that the Christmas Angels came in the middle of the night and took John’s spirit to Heaven to be with Jesus. They went to his room and his bed was empty. How terrible for them.
They came out and opened their presents, they had fun with their things. I imagine that they would have more fun if they hadn’t had the bad news from us before hand.
Even though John was not healed, he is with Jesus, he has a new body and is able to do all the things that he has not been to do over the past year or so.
I held him in my arms when he was taking his last breaths, I loved him so much. My husband and mother were here also and talked to him, gave him hugs and said their good byes.
The last couple hours of his life were spent hearing the Christmas story and watching “The Search for Santa Paws” John loves the Buddies movies so much and this was the new one.
He struggled to breath much of the day yesterday but thank God he never looked like he was in pain. He was and is such a precious child and we will miss him so much.
John truly was our joy. His story is so full of pain and misunderstanding. He is with someone now though, who has always loved him and understood him. Jesus please hold my baby today and care for him, because there is no one in the universe that cares for my son the way you do!
My days, our days as a family, are forever changed. But the ‘our’ really encompasses so much more. Yes, the ‘our’ is our family and all the families who are battling (either active or remission because cancer looms always even for those who are cured) or like our family, suffering the loss of a loved one from cancer. The ‘our’ should be all of us…our collective lives are forever changed the minute a child is diagnosed and even more so in the seconds when a child is lost to cancer. What would have become of the life snuffed out by cancer? What would their life have lead to? What did we lose by their passing? If the average life expectancy is around 75 years…what is the collective loss if we look in terms of years on this planet? The thought is staggering.
So today I push through the tears, like so many of our cancer warriors, to work hard to get J4AC’s footing set and moving fast towards our goal…to beat cancer.